It’s quieter.
That’s probably the main reason.
During the day there’s always something happening. Even if you’re not okay, you’re doing something. Talking. Working. Pretending. Grief sort of stays to the side while you get on with it.
Night doesn’t let you do that.
You stop moving and everything you’ve been pushing away comes back. Not always as sadness. Sometimes it’s just a feeling. Heavy. Tight. Like something is wrong but you can’t point at it.
You think about them more at night. Not on purpose. It just happens. Little things. Stuff that doesn’t matter. Stuff that suddenly does.
You might not even cry. That’s the weird part. You can feel awful without any release. Just lying there. Wide awake. Waiting for sleep that doesn’t come.
Everyone else is asleep. That makes it worse. You don’t want to message anyone. You don’t want to explain. You don’t want sympathy or advice. You just don’t want to be alone with it.
But you are.
So your head fills the space. Thoughts loop. Old memories show up. Questions you can’t answer. How long this is meant to last. Whether this is just your life now.
During the day you can avoid those thoughts. At night there’s nowhere for them to go.
That doesn’t mean you’re weak. Or failing. Or stuck. It just means there’s nothing left to distract you.
Grief likes quiet.
If nights are harder for you, that’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s just when everything else shuts up enough for it to be heard.
If you’re reading this late, unable to sleep, feeling like this only happens to you, it doesn’t.
A lot of people are awake for the same reason.
They’re just not saying anything either.
That’s probably the main reason.
During the day there’s always something happening. Even if you’re not okay, you’re doing something. Talking. Working. Pretending. Grief sort of stays to the side while you get on with it.
Night doesn’t let you do that.
You stop moving and everything you’ve been pushing away comes back. Not always as sadness. Sometimes it’s just a feeling. Heavy. Tight. Like something is wrong but you can’t point at it.
You think about them more at night. Not on purpose. It just happens. Little things. Stuff that doesn’t matter. Stuff that suddenly does.
You might not even cry. That’s the weird part. You can feel awful without any release. Just lying there. Wide awake. Waiting for sleep that doesn’t come.
Everyone else is asleep. That makes it worse. You don’t want to message anyone. You don’t want to explain. You don’t want sympathy or advice. You just don’t want to be alone with it.
But you are.
So your head fills the space. Thoughts loop. Old memories show up. Questions you can’t answer. How long this is meant to last. Whether this is just your life now.
During the day you can avoid those thoughts. At night there’s nowhere for them to go.
That doesn’t mean you’re weak. Or failing. Or stuck. It just means there’s nothing left to distract you.
Grief likes quiet.
If nights are harder for you, that’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s just when everything else shuts up enough for it to be heard.
If you’re reading this late, unable to sleep, feeling like this only happens to you, it doesn’t.
A lot of people are awake for the same reason.
They’re just not saying anything either.
